MEN FAILURE IN MARRIAGE & THE ROLE WOMEN PLAY

 

 

I know you know by now that marriage is not for the faint ‘hearted’ but to those who want to go the extra mile to sacrifice in order to maintain successful and healthy marriage and leave a legacy for their kids to follow. Even though marriage is a very complex institution I must admit, marriage failure is due to certain happenings in the marriage by women make possible for some of the marriage problems men experience.

Below are the 10 reasons why women contribute to the failure of most marriages.

  1. FREQUENT CRITICISM IN THE MARRIAGE

In marriage life two people are not necessary the people who agree with each other with regards to everyday issues in the marriage. As a matter of fact it is not possible to have two couples who agree word to word with their spouses. That’s the beauty of marriage we must be proud of.

The diversity of different views in the marriage makes it unique because each person brings different perspective in order to grow the marriage. I dare say this varying views have helped shape some marriages due to constructive criticism by the women and prevent marriage failure.

However, some women have the penchants of saying very discouraging things to their spouses negatively to the extent that they render the men impotent in taking any constructive initiative that would be beneficial to the marriage.  I have heard a woman told the husband, “I pity you because you can’t take care of yourself neither can you take care of me. You look miserable and I regret leaving all good men to marry you”

It’s a pity to see some women ridicule their husbands when their husbands businesses have failed and they aren’t able to provide for the family. Even though this is the stage men need the support of their spouse, most women can’t take the hardship and many may result to negative criticism as a way to vent their anger about the unpleasant financial situation.

I read a funny post that says “divorce your husband so that he can become rich. Indeed most women left their marriage and their husbands who were once financially broken become rich. What lesson is that telling women reading this post, patience is the way forward? Don’t judge issues based on what‘s prevailing at the moment, tomorrow has its own surprises. Marriage problems arise in every marriage and those who handle the crisis well are able to prevent broken marriage.

Your criticism should be a positive one that will encourage the man to reassess his plan but to discourage him and make him feel like “a small boy” because he is not able to support the home financially and take care of your needs is a recipe for marital problems that may arise in the marriage. The Nigerians have a saying they called “money love” They hold the view that there’s no love without money. As soon as the money disappear love equally disappear.

  1. FREQUENT NAGGING IN THE MARRIAGE.

There’s no marriage under the sun without its fair share of marital problems and challenges. I have mine my marital challenges and you have your marital conflicts as well. But, the rate at which some women complain about everything that take place in the marriage to their parents or friends is the issue this post seek to address.

What are some the issues in marriage that women normally complain about:

  1. Inadequate financial resources to take care of the kids and the home
  2. Poor communication
  3. Poor attention
  4. Poor sex
  5. Inability to take care of personal needs of the woman
  6. Lack of romance and intimacy
  7. No vacation and holiday etc.

These list could go on and on depending on the geographical location in which the couples are living and the expectations of the women in the marriage.

I can confidently say that money play a very significant role in any relationships.  Financial inadequacy will cripple the man to demonstrate his love for the woman he loves. I have been telling my wife time without number “ no man who has enough money will deny the woman he truly loves, but  rather it’s lack of money that makes men to behave like they don’t care.

As a matter of fact, nagging only makes the man to withdraw his affection and care from you. Do you know why most men die early in marriage? because of too much thinking and worried due to the frequent nagging by their wives. My wife Elizabeth used to nag about everything including any purchase I made; whether cups, mug, iron etc. She thinks she is in a better position to buy something better than what I normally purchase to the house. I told her she needs counselling, which she eventually did to stop the frequent criticism over petty petty every day issues. Too much criticism is deemed to be one of the causes of broken home or divorce.

If you are in the habit of nagging about everything your husband does in the marriage you equally need counselling as my wife did and you should put a stop to it, since no man can continue to live with a habitual “nagger”. Discuss your issues with your husband and stop referring to it at any least occasion. Stop pre-guessing him and stop reading his mind, because you don’t have what it takes to read his mind.

  1. LACK OF APPRECIATION IN THE MARRIAGE

Did you say appreciation? Yes, you heard me right. Some people find it difficult to show gratitude for anything good they have receive.  When this attitude is translated into marriage between husband and wife; where the woman doesn’t appreciate anything from the man and sometimes devalue the gifts given to her, it would discourage the man from making any attempt to give more to the spouse.

Everybody wants to feel appreciated for whatever thing they have done to us. The rich wants to be appreciated so is the poor who gives a banana to a neighbour wants a thank you. The Christian Bible talks about Jesus healing some twelve cripples and commanded them to go and show themselves to the priest. One did and the 9 failed to heed to the commandment. The story said the man who went receive total healing because he showed gratitude for what was done for him.

Don’t judge the worth of any gifts you receive from your husband but judge the good intention and the love that accompanied the gifts. If you are the type who only say thank you because the gift is expensive or precious, you might miss other good plans your husband has for you due the fact that you failed to show gratitude for the little gifts he has given to you. If you are a man reading this post, never lose heart because your wife failed to appreciate the gifts you presented to her. Continue to give her gifts and love her irrespective of her negative attitude towards appreciation. The scripture admonishes us to love unconditionally.

  1. SEX IS CONTROLLED BY THE WOMAN IN THE MARRIAGE

We have a situation where some women decide when to have sex and under what condition sex should be given. They use sex as a tool to control the men in such relationships and make the men appear as “women”. The sexual act shouldn’t be tag with conditions in marriage but the opposite is true in some marriages.

Instead of both partners enjoying the pleasure that comes from the sexual act, their mindset alone makes the sexual act un-pleasurable and those who do that do it just to satisfy the men. These type of women don’t take part or play any role in the sexual activity and see it as a favour they are rendering to their husbands. What a pity! I remember my wife telling me one day that she doesn’t take any delight in sex even though she attains orgasm after sex.

Anytime a woman is controlling the sexual act, her behaviour towards the husband would be that of a command such as ‘give me this or that during the time for the act. Put off the light in some cases where sex takes place without light or a demand that ought to agree be upon before the act.

In some cases the door for sex is completely closed because the husband did something that didn’t make the wife happy. Some men have been denied sex for months until the issue reach a crescendo where divorce becomes the obvious choice. Whatever the case you find yourself in, learn to discuss any hurtful feeling early without waiting for days or weeks to pass by.

The bible admonishes us that we shouldn’t let the sun set on our anger. When issues are tackle head on it is easy to resolve without waiting for weeks and months to come. During time for sex is not the right time to settle petty squabbles with your spouse. Give sex and give it freely without any condition attached to it.

  1. LACK OF SUPPORT IN THE MARRIAGE

Do men also need support in marriages? Yes men do need support as women in marriage even though the degree of support may differ from man to woman. I must admit we have wonderful women who are really really working hard to support the home and I must commend such women including my wife Elizabeth.

However we also have some women who decided not to support their husbands when the going gets tough such as business collapse, layoff, redeployment, ill health etc. I have also been saying that marriage is a complex institution and both parties must bring their hands on deck to make the marriage work.

When your husband is down, you must rise up and support him to get up. Don’t think you are doing him alone a favour, you are doing a favour to the family. Whatever you are doing, do it with all your heart and never think of the immediate benefits, you are doing for the sake of the marriage.

Give the support he needs when he is laid off or in the case of a business failure. Be counted among the millions of women who stood behind their husbands during difficult times and they are now enjoying the fruits of what they sow.

  1. NO MORE ATTENTION IN THE MARRIAGE

Attention is a very big thing in marriage and lack of it will be a recipe for marriage problems. It gets to a point where the woman may not pay any more attention to the man for one reason or the other Do you watch him carefully and listen to him when he’s talking to you?  When you pretend to be paying attention and do the wrong thing, it shows you’re not paying attention to him.

Do you show interest in what he does or you simply ignore him. Showing interest in him means you care about what he does and how he feels in the relationship. Do you still make your husband the center of attention in all your engagement with him?  Do you focus on what interest him and make sure he’s satisfied?

Do you make him noticed among your significant friends without him trying to show himself?  When we make our partners noticed they intend make us notice and show us love because you made him feel important. Pay attention to your partner and don’t make him feel sideline in the marriage as if he doesn’t matter. Don’t look down on him because his business has collapsed or he has lost his job.

  1. TAKING HIM FOR GRANTED IN THE MARRIAGE

Do we take our partners for granted sometimes? Yes! People do when the marriage is old and people are looking for other sources for pleasure and fun rather than their partners. How do people take their partners for granted? The following are ways a woman can take her partner for granted.

  • She may not care about his well-being (sickness, ill health, problems etc)
  • She may not care about his feelings any more
  • She may withdraw attention from him
  • She may silently ignore him
  • She may take his calls for granted
  • She may lose show interest in him
  • She may withdraw sex from him
  • She discusses other people’s issue more than the husband

If you do any of these things, try and revise your attitude towards him, because you may be giving him a bad signal in the relationship that could lead to him walking from the marriage. Everybody wants to feel wanted and needed in the relationship he finds himself in. Let him feel needed and special if you want to have him.

  1. UN-FORGIVENESS IN THE MARRIAGE

Forgiveness they say is divine. No mortal can say he or she is blameless and stand tall on the perfection ladder. Every day we step on people’s toes and people likewise offend us; so is the marriage union.

So many books were written about un-forgiveness and I have written a post about 10 reasons why people failed to forgive in marriage. You can read it here.

10 “REAL” CAUSES OF UN-FORGIVENESS on  our website

But we should learn to forgive our partners no matter how serious the offences were. The best and perfect example of forgiveness was demonstrated on the cross by our Lord and Saviour Jesus. He forgave a sinner who was condemned to death on the cross. He did not see his sin as unforgivable. All sins can be forgiven except the sin against the Holy Spirit.

Forgiveness is not only letting go but it is divine commandment and duty placed on us by our creator. Don’t die and be buried into your grave with un-forgiveness in your heart. Forgiveness relieves the forgiver and set him or her free. Let love triumphs over hate because hate destroys the hater before it destroys anybody else.

If you are not ready to forgive him, you make him feel unwanted especially if he has asked for forgiveness from you. If you have forgiven him the divine hand will also forgive you when you are troubled and need help.

  1. LACK OF ENCOURAGEMENT IN THE MARRIAGE

Do men also need encouragement in marriage? All human beings need encouragement at one time or the other when discouragement and frustration set in. Discouragement is a serious issue so far as the man is concerned.

It got to a time when things are so bad because my two business attempts failed and it appears to me as if I am stuck. I took a bank loan for the business venture hoping to pay the loan in good terms and make a remarkable profit to leave the life of my dream. Unfortunately, the two business attempts didn’t work out as plan and I have a huge loan hanging on my neck to settle.

It was a terrible time for me and my family. The family has to depend on the income of my wife to take care of the family. My wife has warned me to abandoned the second business idea but I went ahead to pursue it. The second business failure was a big blow to my dream and goal in life. There was no encouragement anywhere apart from readings from books and other distance mentors. My in-laws became aware of the challenges we go through to take of the four kids, my wife nearly left the marriage.

When your husband has failed in business, you should encourage him to rise up through your positive words of encouragement and assurance him that it would be well one day. This is not the time to say negative words to discourage him. No man goes into a business to fail. But failure is inevitable and we must accept it and move forward.

  1. DISORGANIZED PARTNER IN THE MARRIAGE

Some women are really disorganized in everything they do in the marriage.

When a man is not organized it is not as serious as a woman who is not organized. Women are the managers of the home and society has very high expectations of them. Anybody who visits a well-organized and clean home will know there is a woman behind it.

Unfortunately, we have some of our mothers and wives who are not organized to say the least. Their very hair is unkempt and remained unwashed for days. Go to the hall and the kitchen and what greets you is a testimony of how they organize themselves.

No visitor will take an excuse for your inability to keep things organize in the home. You are responsible for the way things are organize in the home. Your husband will assist you but it is your primary responsibility to organize the clutter in the home. Some women have relaxed after marriage. Their negative attitudes sent their husbands to the arms of other women; who are well organized and appear neat and attractive.

God look at the inside of a man to determine his walk with him but earthly men look at the outside of a man to draw conclusion about how the person is. That is why you need to keep yourself organized for him every day. Don’t ascribe the disorder of the home to the kids and never assumed that once you are married he cannot be tempted to look elsewhere.  You should do your utmost best to prevent your marriage from failure

Do your part and let him do his part. Keep everything of yours clean: (your hair, private parts, dresses, shoes, wardrobe, kitchen, bedroom, hall) and the surroundings clean. You married him to fill the loop holes. Don’t wait to be told what to do. Keep doing what is best for the relationship even if he doesn’t appreciate it. He will come to his senses one day and praise you for all the sacrifices and the good things you have been doing.

A disorganized home is a turn off that can drive your husband into the arms of other women.  Avoid it!

We’ve been able to look at 10 reasons why most men fail in their marriages. The reasons can’t be exhaustive and other reasons not mentioned in this post could also be contributory factors. I cherished and revere marriage and this post is to remind our women to take action to safeguard their marriage by eliminating attitudes that can destroy the marriage and create broken home or broken marriage.

Until my next post on Wednesday

Bye!

Emmanuel Toklo

 

Get in touch with me through my social media platforms:

https://web.facebook.com/emmanuel.toklo

 

 

 

 

 

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