6 REASONS WHY APOLOGY IS DIFFICULT TO RENDER IN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP
Rendering apology is one of the tools that has saved thousands, if not millions of marriage relationships and reduced diplomatic tensions and wars between countries across the world. At the same time millions of relationships were also destroyed for our inability to render apology in our relationships. Even though it shouldn’t be too difficult to render apology, many people find it extremely difficult to take advantage of its power to reconcile and reduce the many separations, divorces and diplomatic tensions and wars around the world.
NOT TO APPEAR WEAK BEFORE ONE’S PARTNER
It’s easier said than done. We must admit it or pretend that anyone can humble himself or herself to walk to the partner and render apology. The rich or the poor, the have and have not, educated and uneducated all find it difficult to render apology. Before writing this post, I have interviewed quite a few number of married people to find out why human beings, for that matter, people in any relationship find it too difficult to render apology to someone they offend. The findings are some of the reasons for this post.
Some people are of the view that it’s not too difficult to admit one’s fault when you realized that you are the cause of the offence but at the same time pretty difficult to render apology.
Almost everybody admits guilt feelings if they were unable to render apology but the courage to take the initiative to do so has always been the challenge. In fact everybody has that small voice within that talks to him or her to do the right thing but our biggest problem is our unwillingness is to listen to the voice within and move with the flow and go and say I’m sorry for hurting you or whatever the case may be.
Sometimes in order to bring peace in the marriage or the relationship, one must go the extra mile and approach the other person and seek for peace through apology, even though, you may not be the cause. I remember some years ago a woman badly offended my late mum and that brought about a discourse between the two families. No one was willing to talk to either side of the family, but one day I went to the woman one fine Saturday when she hadn’t woken up from bed.
When she finally came, I told her my reason for coming to the house. ‘I came to tell you I’m sorry say for whatever happened and wish you forgives me and my family’. She cried after hearing my apology because she has been considering doing this for a very long time but lack the courage to approach my mum or any of us (the children) to apologize.
It takes maturity to render apology. Don’t think too highly of yourself to apologize to her or him. Do you know there is virtually nobody on this earth who will not accept apology from a sincere person? Let me tell you one secret you can use to win back any person you have ever lived with including your ex wife.
If the person is your partner, first thing in the morning, kneel down before him or her and say I’m sorry for what happened. Forgive me. Do you know why this is a spiritual thing? Nobody on this earth wants to take the place of God. When you kneel down before your fellow human being, you put him or she in the place of God and nobody is willing to take that glory. It’s natural. Practice what I am telling you and you would be grateful to me if you do. Don’t destroy your marriage or relationship because of your failure to render apology.
TOO MUCH PRIDE
Even though it’s not a bad thing to show pride in one’s skill, talent, knowledge, wealth, riches, achievement etc. the exhibition of too much of these things when you are in a relationship is the danger. How much is too much? It’s is when a partner thinks he or she is more important than the person he or she is currently living with and thinks it not necessary to say sorry. After all, I am better than him or her. I posse that skill and that wealth you don’t have. I’m talking about that individualistic thinking in marriage relationship.
As soon as someone in a relationship begins to portray himself or herself in this manner, tension is created and the offender may find a way to avoid the partner. As a matter of fact, no relationship can survive when the man or the woman placed himself or herself above the partner. These behaviours are characterized by the following:
- When you intentionally refuse to pick your call or call back,
- when your spouse doesn’t keep a promise without any convincing reason
- When he or she refuses to engage you in decision that will affect the two of you
- When he or she doesn’t appreciate the little things you do for him or her
- When she or her compare you to someone she or he think is better than you
- When he or she ignores you in responding to a question you asked and demanded answers
- When he or she wants you to do things his or her way without being concerned about how you feel etc.
A partner who is full of pride will not see the need to apologize because he or she sees whatever he or she does to be right. This attitude is a relationship killer and must be avoided. A partner who exhibits all the above behaviours may be exhibiting pride without knowing or doing it intentionally.
- UNWILLINGNESS TO RECONCILE WITH ONE’S PARTNER
People who are not truly happy with their current partners are likely to find it difficult to apologize before them. When situation like this happy and people are no longer excited in the relationship, the way out is to use any flimsy excuses to avoid one’s partner. Some couples or partners use the offence (s) to probably exit the relationship. Isn’t a bad move,some would say? Why do you want to leave a partner who has recognize his or her fault and is willing to apologize? Sometimes, your partner may not even recognize that you have a bad feeling against him or her.
I wouldn’t advocate for partners to separate using any crude means to let go of their partners but be willing to reconcile before taking any other decision. If you refuse to reconcile and bring peace between you and your partner you may regret your action some day to come. Even if it becomes necessary to leave after exploring all other avenues available to you in the case of marriage, leave in peace without un-forgiveness in your heart.
Why are you still living with someone you are not willing to reconcile with? Do you make your intention known to your partner? A lot of issues in relationship and for that matter marriage never happened out of the blue but occurred as a result of keeping records of one’s partner’s little little mistakes over time. This action of keeping record of your partner’s fault demonstrates your immaturity in the relationship and would hasten your unhappiness in the union. Grow up and stop keeping record of all the bad things he or she does.
- LACK OF EMPATHY FOR ONE’S PARTNER
This situation happens when a partner doesn’t feel your pain or unhappiness in the relationship
In most cases, this silent treatment makes the partner at the receiving end to feel more hurt and frustrated. When people are living in a ‘disjointed” relationship ( where couples are no longer connected emotionally, sexually, physically, psychologically and spiritually) they don’t seem to concern themselves about what happens to their partner.
There was a case in point where a woman who was rushed to the hospital as a result of high blood pressure due to the attitude of the husband died a few hours later. Hospital source said all the woman wanted after stabilizing her condition is to see the husband at her side. Unfortunately, the man refused to come on time and chose to come the following day; only to come to the hospital and see the dead body of the wife lying on the hospital bed.
When you feel the pains your partner might be going through, you would do anything within your power and resources to alleviate the problems (hurt, pain, agony, emotional trauma, suffering etc) It’s in your own interest to empathize with your partner because situation can change and you would be at the receiving end where help from your partner may be needed.
Life is a mystery and we must learn to walk each day without any iota of bad feeling in our heart because today may be yours but tomorrow is not promised to any mortal being including you.
FEAR OF REJECTION
When one is not sure what the partner’s reaction would be if he or she has taken the initiative to ask for forgiveness, it may be too difficult for any move to be made to render apology? This fear has been holding many people back to seek for reconciliation with their partners in the relationship. After all, let me remind of the common saying “Nothing Venture, Nothing Gain” Do you know your partner may probably be expecting apology through your own initiative. Yes! You have to be bold and overcome the fear to approach him or her out of love to say ‘I am sorry’.
At one of my counseling session with a client, it was pretty difficult for the man to approach the wife and apologize after committing infidelity in the marriage. Even though the woman was willing to forgive the husband on the condition that he apologizes for the wrong thing he has done, the man was afraid that the wife would use the apology against him.
It took six months to get the man to apologize after I made him aware to weigh the cost of divorce (his reputation, the effects of divorce on their two kids, their jointly acquired property, and their investments in the relationship over the years). As a matter of fact, we sometimes make issues difficult in our marriage as a result of the decision we make or refuse to make when it becomes necessary for us to do so. Let go of the fear and approach your partner for forgiveness today.
- 6. EGOCENTRIC BEHAVIOUR
Relationship is not built on one’s wishes and caprices alone without recourse to your partner. But, in some cases people developed this egocentric behaviours. They are only concerned about what would benefit them either directly or indirectly in the relationship. People with this mind-set believe that they are always right in doing what they do. They don’t really care about the feelings of their partners
One thing you must know is that too much egocentrism may not only destroy your relationship but it would destroy other personal relationship you have with your other significant people in your life. If you really care to have a happy marriage you must learn to deal with this type of behaviour as soon as possible. Happy marriage never comes on silver platter, it takes great sacrifices:
- Humility at all time
- Patience at all time
- Selflessness in the relationship
- Dedication to the relationship
- Commitment to the relationship
- Forgiveness on both side
- Hard work to provide for the family
- Continuous love
- Active prayer life
- Sharing what you
- Attention to your partner
- Active communication
- Active sexual life
- Quick resolution of conflict
- More listening than talking
- Support for each other
- Willingness to sacrifice
- Having common interest
- Showing affection at all time
In this post we have been able to identify 6 possible causes that make it impossible for people to render apology so as to help overcome the trap for not been able to gather the courage to approach our partners and ask for forgiveness when we are at fault.
We’ve notice that marriage just like any relationship is a long journey and we must endeavor to play our part so that our partners will support us in the journey we are both travelling. The journey could be tough and frustrating, but nothing can stop you from reaching your destination like your inability to render sincere apology from the bottom of your heart which normally comes with the word I’M SORRY. And when we are approached with apology we should open our heart to receive the person back through our forgiveness of heart.
Let recap what we’ve discussed below. 6 REASONS WHY PEOPLE FAIL TO RENDER APOLOGY
- UNWILLINGNESS TO APPEAR WEAK BEFORE ONE’S PARTNER
- TOO MUCH PRIDE
- UNWILLINGNESS TO RECONCILE WITH ONE’S PARTNER.
- LACK OF EMPATHY FOR ONE’S PARTNER
- FEAR OF REJECTION
- EGOCENTRIC BEHAVIOUR
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