10 “REAL” CAUSES OF UN-FORGIVENESS

 

 

Un-forgiveness has been one of the major causes of problems in marriage, family life, health and financial life. It is a very difficult issue to deal with so far as the individuals involved are concerned. So many articles have been written about ways to deal with un-forgiveness but many writers fail to go to the root causes of un-forgiveness and why it seems to be difficult for people to just let go and move on with their partners without any resentment.   Family health watchers are of the view that 90% of all problems are rooted in un-forgiveness (www.presentationministries.com)

Below are the 10 ‘Real’ causes of un-forgiveness

 

  1. TOO MUCH PRIDE

In this case we are talking about the feeling that you are better than your partner because you view yourself to be more cleavers, more important, more handsome or beautiful, more educated, more successful or coming from a good home etc than your partner.

This sense of pride among people in any type of relationship especially marriage union makes it practically difficult for the one offended (either the man or man) to forgive. A lot of people in marriage relationship have these “false pride” which makes it very difficult for them to consider granting pardon to their loved ones.

What made you think they way you do? Why are you having the kind of feeling you are feeling? Why are you always thinking about the hurt every second, minute, hour, day and weeks un-end?  Your feelings are translating to the kind of thought you have and the thought you are having is producing the sort of action you take and this finally lead to the result you translate in your relationship.  Every human being is controlled by these things (Feelings + Thought +Action=Result)

When we let go of our “too much pride” as a result of how we feel and think, it will be easy to come to the level our of partners and let go of what happened without any conditionality and move on.

If un-forgiveness does not pave way to forgiveness that relationship will definitely suffer the consequences and gradual come to destruction. There is a story in the Bible that says “ do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but think of yourself soberly as God has dealt with each one a measure of faith (Rom 12:3 NKJ)

We are capable of making mistakes and hurting our partners at one point in time or the other. Your partner may be a victim today and you could be next along the line. So what then happens if the situation is a reverse? There is no limit to the number of times you should forgive him or her. Just tell yourself you don’t want to suffer the danger of un-forgiveness and makes un-forgiveness control your life and relationship.

  1. FREQUENT CRITICISM

When happens when one partner set himself or herself to always look out for fault or mistake. If you set this agenda of fault finding in your partner, you will always find one and get more hurt and disappointed. None of us (human being) can stand out and say I am always right and does no wrong.

So far as we live with our spouses, we would offend them and they would likewise offend us. No relationship can thrive on the altar of frequent criticism. It’s demonic and one of the ‘killers’ of relationship. If we value and appreciate the little things our partners do for us, criticism will cease. No one can live with a partner who is always on the look out to find a mistake in what the partner does.

My wife, Elizabeth is still dealing with this habit of continual criticism. Even though she has reduced her criticism of me, she still finds one negative comment or the other to make before the day ends.

I know some of you reading this post have suffered from this bad habit, making it appears as if you have resigned from making any effort to forgive your partner. Drop your gun of criticism. I know how you are feeling hurt.  But to err is human to forgive, divine (Alexander Pope)

  1. INABILITY TO LET GO WHAT HAPPENED

This is the situation when one partner is constantly remembering the wrong or mistake and the hurt he or she suffered. When this happens every day, we are likely to be embittered and will always find a way to revenge.

The mystery of life is that none of us can bring back the past to the present and should not allow ourselves to be held hostage of it.

Unfortunately, a good number of people in relationship are still living in the past which is holding them back and preventing them to develop the self will to completely forgive their partners. If you keep referring to him or her about the past, you will lack the courage to forgive and that could be the giant holding you back to let go and truly enjoy your relationship.

Forgiveness is divine and all those who practice it enjoy its fruits. Don’t hold yourself captive; release yourself from this danger of un-forgiveness and see how beautiful and richer in spirit and health you will become.  If you can’t naturally forget about the wrong done to you or your hurt feelings, seek a professional help and get healing.

  1. REPEATITION OF THE WRONGS

Sometimes we see our partners as repeating one mistake for which their partner has come to apologize for. Is the mistake deliberate or part of offences that come along with his or her interaction with you?

It is true your partner may keep repeating the offense as often as you can remember, but the magic thing is; don’t keep record of your partner’s wrong or mistakes. Have you forgotten late President Nelson Mandela of blessed memory? Even though he spent 27 years in prison, he decided not to keep record of the wrong done to him all these years. If you keep repeating the wrong; it will be a recipe for disaster in your relationship.

How long do you want to keep record of everything your partner does? I used to do that during the early part of the marriage, but I realize that the more I opened my dairy and read the wrongs, the bitter I become and the more disgusted my attitude towards her. This went on until an elderly woman advised me one Saturday afternoon to put immediate stop to the practice.

After I desist from the habit, I begin to appreciate her instead of looking out for her shortcomings. Do you also keep record of all the wrongs of your spouse?  If you are finding it difficult to forget about his or her wrongs, it may be symptom of un-forgiveness.

  1. DEGREE OF OFFENCES ARE CONSIDERED TO SERIOUS

What is the nature of the offence or wrong that you consider to be too serious to forgive? Is it a sexual offence, broken trust, verbal and emotional abuse, physical abuse or normal petty offences that occur in marriage.

I know how it feels like when your partner seems not to live up to your expectation but rather keeps disappointing you in one way or the other. I have been there before and learned to let go because life is too short for me to waste my energy and time on settling personal scores every day with my spouse.

Offences will come and how we handle it is entirely under our control. If you try to understand everything that went wrong and continue to ask the why questions, you will be crowded with so many negative thought about your partner.

There is no hurt, mistakes or wrong that can’t be forgiven because you consider them to be so. Never allow anything of these sorts to weigh you down so much so that it renders you powerless to have the inner power to say, hey, ‘let move on’ I have forgiven you.

Forgiveness can so be easy if you decide to stop focusing on the bad aspects of your partner and the wrongs of yesterday and start thinking about what opportunity life has in stock for you in the days to come.  I want you to know that yesterday is history, so live in the now and enjoy every bit of it because tomorrow is not promised.

  1. TENDENCY FOR REVENGE

Revenge is something you do in order to punish someone who has harmed or offended you. As I indicate earlier in the first point: Your feelings produce the thoughts you have and this thought produces your daily action which gives your result.

Before a partner would like to seek a revenge, that person might be going through these four stages like any other person (Feeling +Thought +Action=RESULT).  In view of this, it is extremely important to deal with any negative feelings we have about our partner and quickly take steps to address them as a matter of urgency. Since the resultant effect of your negative feelings could lead to the tendency for revenge, it is advisable to deal with issues quickly as soon as it occurs. Below are basic procedures to settle issues quickly in your relationship.

  • Call your partner and discuss how you feel about an action that took place a while ago and continue to be taking place.
  • Be specific and straight to the point devoid of anger
  • Make a ground rule not to interrupt your partner anytime one is speaking
  • Let your partner speak until she or he has nothing more to say
  • Ask for further clarification if you are not clear with your partner’s point of view
  • Be aware that all your partners’ response may not be hundred perfect satisfactory to you
  • Have an open mind without any preconceived idea about your partner responses
  • Accept the outcome of your meeting and take 50-50 credits for each other, because there is no winner or loser.

If you had gone through these processes religiously, your tendency to revenge will drop and un-forgiveness becomes less difficult thing to do. It doesn’t serve any of your interest to conceive any idea of revenge, follow the process and embrace your partner back.

  1. TO DEMONSTRATE WE ARE DEEPLY HURT

I know you are hurt and I can also empathize with your hurt feelings.  However do you know that the more you carry this hurt feelings, is like swallowing poison and expecting another person to die.  You have every right to feel hurt when you are wronged deliberately or indirectly by someone you loved. It can be painful, I must admit.

Let me tell you something that happen in Swaziland. One day, a cattle farmer who had a conflict with his neighbour, decided to poison the main well that the neighbour’s cattle normally drink water from when they are out grazing on the field.

The following day, It rained heavily during the night and all the dangerous poisonous substance was washed away into the nearby river within the community and polluted the river with the deadly substance.

Two days later his cattle went to graze and came to the river and drank its water. The next day 125 of his cattle was found dead and fishes were floating on top of the river.  It took investigation by vent doctors and scientists to determine the cause of the river pollution and its subsequent death of cattle and other fishes.

The hurtful feeling of this Swazi farmer to destroy his neighbour’s cattle led to the destruction of his own cattle and other aquatic lives. Our lives are interconnected with one another, so is your relationship with your spouse. It’s sometime proper to remain quiet and allow the universe to judge your case for you. Don’t hold anybody’s problem in your heart. You have your own issue to deal with just like anybody. Leave a space for better quality thing to take place in your life. Don’t choke the space with quilt feelings and allow the free flow of new ideas to your mind.

  1. FEELING OF NOT BEING TREATED FAIRLY

It is sometimes amazing why forgiveness appear not to come easily as most people think. If one partner feels he or she has been treated unfairly by the partner whether intentionally or otherwise, it will be difficult for the ‘’offendee”( the one who was offended) to open up for forgiveness.

In some cases the offender may not be very much aware that his or her action has caused the partner to feel the kind of hurtful feeling they are going through. In the midst of all these a good partner must observe the general mood and expression of the partner and put in measures to address any change in the behaviour of the partner.

It seems most men are not very observant about changes in their partner’s behaviours.  According to Sam Deep-Lyle Sussman author and co-author of yes you Can! As little as 10% of the impact of your spoken message is carried by the words you utter. As much as 40% is achieved by vocal (tone, inflections, emphasis, pitch, rhythm, volume, rate). More than 50% comes from your language (eyes, face, hair, gestures, posture, cosmetics, accessories, clothing, actions and use of space.

So use these attributes to quickly identify any changes in your partner and avert any potential conflict as soon as possible. It’s easy to settle dispute at early stage than later stage.

  1. LACK OF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF WRONG DOING

Do you know how easy it was for someone to walk to you and apologize for something they did wrong against  you a short while ago? Yes it was.

Sometimes in our relationship, we take each other for granted and normally assumed that certain things we do to our partners should be accepted as normal. If you partner complains about a behaviour she or he is not happy with, do your very best to exit from it.

You can’t feel the way your wife feels neither can she also feel the way you feel. But women   are generally perceived as being emotional about things that directly affect them especially coming from someone they claim they love.

Be courageous to sit your partner down when the right time has come and your partner is in a good mood to express himself or herself freely. Give room for the offending partner to talk and be quick to accept your fault or mistake if your discussion point to that effect.

  1. FAILURE TO APOLOGIZE FOR OUR ACT OF WRONG DOING

 

Saying sorry is a difficult task for many people across the globe because of the way we look at ourselves in view of the perception we think people will have about us. It makes it very difficult for people never to learn to say sorry. They are blindfolded into believing that when you say sorry, you are exhibiting weakness.

Such people are ‘full of themselves’. They are proud to link the fault to the other person rather than themselves. To them there is nothing wrong with their actions and behaviours because they see themselves as always perfect. But, I want you to know that none of us is perfect except the divine.

I have my weaknesses and strengths so does my wife. I know you also have your strengths and weaknesses and so does your spouse. However, you complement each other in the relationship. Don’t be too pompous to say sorry to your husband or wife if your inner conscience tells you to do so. Great people are quick to say sorry ‘I didn’t get it right’

Un-forgiveness is a serious canker that is destroying millions of relationship worldwide because we very often ignore the underlying causes that make forgiveness impossible but rather push people to fall into the dangers of un-forgiveness.

To recap your mind these are the 10 causes of un-forgiveness

  1. TOO MUCH PRIDE
  1. FREQUENT CRITICISM
  2.  INABILITY TO LET GO WHAT HAPPENED
  3. REPEATITION  OF THE WRONGS
  4. DEGREE OF OFFENCES ARE CONSIDERED TO SERIOUS
  5. TENDENCY FOR REVENGE
  6. TO DEMONSTRATE WE ARE DEEPLY HURT
  1. FEELING OF NOT BEING TREATED FAIRLY

 

  1. LACK OF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF WRONG DOING
  2. FAILURE TO APOLOGIZE FOR OUR ACT OF WRONG DOING

 

Until then,

Emmanuel Toklo

Get in touch with me through my social media platforms:

https://web.facebook.com/emmanuel.toklo

https://www.twitter.com/tokloem

https://www.pinterest.com/scoutlinsky

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